the scary world of me

janieruth1e:

psyducked:

I wish there were necklaces given to us at birth that were half of a unique shape and your soulmate wore the other half and they got warmer the closer together you were and colder the further away you were so you could go on this journey when you’re ready to find your other half so that you could be spared all the pain and heartbreak of being played with by those who don’t take dating as seriously as you do

so who’s going to write that damn book

nikkiheartsxxx: NIKKI HEARTS’ COMING OUT STORY ON LES DOWNTOWN The first time I tried to come out I was in first grade. I remember being on the playground, playing tetherball by myself, when a classmate came over and asked, “Do you like anyone?” and I said “Yes.” After she ran through the names of every boy in our class, she gave up and left me alone, but a few minutes later came back and said, “Wait…Is it a girl?!” I turned bright red. She started going through the names of all the girls in our class, and when she got to the right one, I told her. Within seconds, she took off announcing her discovery to the entire playground, and as soon as we got back into the classroom they all told the teacher. He pulled me out into the hall and asked if it was true, and when I confirmed, he said, “Well, that’s something you should probably keep to yourself…” I went to school in an extremely wealthy, small-town suburb of Columbus, Ohio. Of course, after my crush had been spread to all the kids in school, no girls wanted to be my friend, and the boys who would hang out with me never held back from making me into a laughing stock. Not only did I like girls (even though after the first-grade incident I completely denied it) I was constantly mistaken for a little boy in public. I had a 90s Leonardo DiCaprio haircut and dressed myself exclusively from the Old Navy little boys’ department. My hippie aunt would always tell my mom that she had lesbian friends who would love to “sit down and talk to her about it.” My mom was still in denial at that point, saying things like, “She’s just a tomboy, it’s a phase” and “She’s only six!” But mom was in denial until I was probably about ten or so. Then she and my sister started on me: “It’s really okay if you’re a lesbian. Just tell us. It’s not a big deal.” By the time I hit middle school, I had completely convinced myself that I was not a lesbian, solely based on the fact that everyone at school and home was so into telling me I was. I remember being called out during an all-school assembly for talking during a presentation; the teacher came over and said, “You three boys! Stand up and go to detention!” Well, there were two boys, and then there was me. Everyone who knew me in the surrounding bleachers yelled out “That’s not a boy!” And the entire auditorium broke out in laughter. I just stood there and cried. From that point on, I was terrified to be in large groups where this sort of thing might happen. I refused to go to school half the time, and I was determined to look like the most feminine slutty girl I possibly could. Over the next few years I grew out my hair, made friends with a couple weird rock ‘n roll chicks, and made it my life goal to bang as many rock stars as I could – because in my mind, this is what the straightest of straight girls did. For a 15-year-old girl in Ohio, this was a pretty difficult goal. Over the next two years I went to school as little as possible, while simultaneously traveling across the country to New York and LA with my little groupie harem, and did pretty well for myself as far as achieving my goal. My parents were busy hating their lives in Ohio at the time, and my ridiculous joy ride came to a halt when my mom announced that she was leaving my dad before disappearing with a new boyfriend for a few months. My dad temporarily lost his mind, we moved to a shitty apartment, and I was a hair away from dropping out of school. There was nothing that could make me go back to that school, where I was still bullied constantly, so my dad and I decided it would be best if I went to a career center to pursue graphic design and get myself focused on a goal. Turns out, career centers are where all the weird kids go when they get sick of normal school! Also, turns out, this is where all the gay kids go to escape the bullying at the schools they’ve gone to their whole lives. Once I finally started at the career center, junior year of high school, I had a really nice steady boyfriend named Jack, and I was mostly used to the fact that my mom wasn’t going to come back to our family. Life was semi-normal for a minute, until I heard that all the lesbians in school thought that I was the cat’s pajamas. By this time, I really had everyone in my life convinced that I was straight. Jack and I were moving into an apartment with my then-bandmate, Morgan. Morgan was another girl who had been teased all her life for being a lesbian, while she claimed to be 100% straight, and also constantly talked about how much she couldn’t stand lesbians because they always hit on her. Morgan and I became bandmates, best friends, roommates, and I was on the lesbian-hate train with her, even though deep down I thought she was the hottest girl on the planet. My deeply closeted self started coming home from school, talking about how all the stupid lesbians at school wanted me to join their side, and how gross they were. The only person I could tell the real story to was Jack. For some reason, my boyfriend, of all people, was the only person I could tell how intrigued I was by all these hot lesbians I wanted to get my hands on! He encouraged me to experiment – in his eyes, fooling around with a girl wasn’t cheating. The further into the experimenting I got, the more I found myself lying to my family and my band, and the less interested in Jack I became. For a while, I went back to my old ways, but this time it was with girls in school, seeing how many I could hook up with and get away with it. It didn’t help that also at this time, I started watching The L Word. At this point Jack started getting really concerned, revoking his willingness to let me experiment, and I finally had to cut the cord with him, though I wasn’t ready to tell my family that. That same week, my dad announced that he was taking Jack, who he absolutely adored, and me to Cancun for two weeks as a graduation present. Of course I wanted nothing to do with this, but the trip was planned, and I was certainly not ready to come out now. I had finally finished hooking up with every girl in school, and there was one girl I really liked, who I wanted to be my girlfriend. I spent the entire Cancun trip trying to talk to this girl on Myspace, and Jack spent the entire trip doing everything he could to convince me that we needed to work out and that I was not a lesbian. All I was worried about was making sure my dad thought Jack and I were happy and getting the hell out of Mexico. As soon as I got back to Ohio, I made it official with the girl, and then headed out on a long East Coast tour with my band, who, as far as I knew, were also still under the impression that I was with Jack. I spent the entire tour fighting with my band, who started treating me like scum of the Earth all of a sudden, fighting with Jack on the phone, while he was back home threatening to throw all my stuff out of the apartment, and constantly making secret phone calls to my new girlfriend, who I had barely had any time to enjoy with! Once the tour ended, I got all my stuff out and started staying with my girlfriend. I didn’t talk to my band for weeks after we got home, though once we did speak, I found out Jack had told them everything before we left for tour: about my months of experimenting with girls, my new girlfriend, and how I had taken complete advantage of his trust. I also found out that Jack and Morgan had taken a liking to each other behind my back. At that point I was so confused, and had so many lies going on between my friends and family, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I told my band and Jack that I wanted them out of my life, and that was that. The next day I took my girlfriend over to my mom’s house, which I rarely visited, told her we needed to talk. We all sat down. I set my elbow down on the table and daintily let my wrist go limp before I began to tell my mom why my “friend” and I had come to visit, but before I even opened my mouth, my mom laughed at the way my arm was resting and jokingly said, “You’re so gay!” Perfect way to begin the conversation. “Well, that’s why I wanted to talk to you…This is my girlfriend.” My mom’s mouth dropped open (she still thought I was with Jack) and she didn’t even believe me at first. But after a few brief minutes of convincing, she said, “Okay…Guess we always knew…That’s cool I guess.” And that was it. That’s all it took. I spent the majority of my life until that point being afraid of that moment for nothing. My mom took the liberty of calling my sister and grandmother to tell them, then my sister called my dad, who was the most confused of all, but no one was upset. Everything was going to be okay. My mom hugged my girlfriend, we all ate dinner, and then we got on with our damn lives.

nikkiheartsxxx:

NIKKI HEARTS’ COMING OUT STORY ON LES DOWNTOWN

The first time I tried to come out I was in first grade. I remember being on the playground, playing tetherball by myself, when a classmate came over and asked, “Do you like anyone?” and I said “Yes.” After she ran through the names of every boy in our class, she gave up and left me alone, but a few minutes later came back and said, “Wait…Is it a girl?!” I turned bright red. She started going through the names of all the girls in our class, and when she got to the right one, I told her. Within seconds, she took off announcing her discovery to the entire playground, and as soon as we got back into the classroom they all told the teacher. He pulled me out into the hall and asked if it was true, and when I confirmed, he said, “Well, that’s something you should probably keep to yourself…”

I went to school in an extremely wealthy, small-town suburb of Columbus, Ohio. Of course, after my crush had been spread to all the kids in school, no girls wanted to be my friend, and the boys who would hang out with me never held back from making me into a laughing stock.

Not only did I like girls (even though after the first-grade incident I completely denied it) I was constantly mistaken for a little boy in public. I had a 90s Leonardo DiCaprio haircut and dressed myself exclusively from the Old Navy little boys’ department. My hippie aunt would always tell my mom that she had lesbian friends who would love to “sit down and talk to her about it.” My mom was still in denial at that point, saying things like, “She’s just a tomboy, it’s a phase” and “She’s only six!” But mom was in denial until I was probably about ten or so. Then she and my sister started on me: “It’s really okay if you’re a lesbian. Just tell us. It’s not a big deal.”

By the time I hit middle school, I had completely convinced myself that I was not a lesbian, solely based on the fact that everyone at school and home was so into telling me I was. I remember being called out during an all-school assembly for talking during a presentation; the teacher came over and said, “You three boys! Stand up and go to detention!” Well, there were two boys, and then there was me. Everyone who knew me in the surrounding bleachers yelled out “That’s not a boy!” And the entire auditorium broke out in laughter. I just stood there and cried.

From that point on, I was terrified to be in large groups where this sort of thing might happen. I refused to go to school half the time, and I was determined to look like the most feminine slutty girl I possibly could. Over the next few years I grew out my hair, made friends with a couple weird rock ‘n roll chicks, and made it my life goal to bang as many rock stars as I could – because in my mind, this is what the straightest of straight girls did. For a 15-year-old girl in Ohio, this was a pretty difficult goal.

Over the next two years I went to school as little as possible, while simultaneously traveling across the country to New York and LA with my little groupie harem, and did pretty well for myself as far as achieving my goal. My parents were busy hating their lives in Ohio at the time, and my ridiculous joy ride came to a halt when my mom announced that she was leaving my dad before disappearing with a new boyfriend for a few months. My dad temporarily lost his mind, we moved to a shitty apartment, and I was a hair away from dropping out of school. There was nothing that could make me go back to that school, where I was still bullied constantly, so my dad and I decided it would be best if I went to a career center to pursue graphic design and get myself focused on a goal. Turns out, career centers are where all the weird kids go when they get sick of normal school! Also, turns out, this is where all the gay kids go to escape the bullying at the schools they’ve gone to their whole lives.

Once I finally started at the career center, junior year of high school, I had a really nice steady boyfriend named Jack, and I was mostly used to the fact that my mom wasn’t going to come back to our family. Life was semi-normal for a minute, until I heard that all the lesbians in school thought that I was the cat’s pajamas. By this time, I really had everyone in my life convinced that I was straight. Jack and I were moving into an apartment with my then-bandmate, Morgan. Morgan was another girl who had been teased all her life for being a lesbian, while she claimed to be 100% straight, and also constantly talked about how much she couldn’t stand lesbians because they always hit on her. Morgan and I became bandmates, best friends, roommates, and I was on the lesbian-hate train with her, even though deep down I thought she was the hottest girl on the planet.

My deeply closeted self started coming home from school, talking about how all the stupid lesbians at school wanted me to join their side, and how gross they were. The only person I could tell the real story to was Jack. For some reason, my boyfriend, of all people, was the only person I could tell how intrigued I was by all these hot lesbians I wanted to get my hands on! He encouraged me to experiment – in his eyes, fooling around with a girl wasn’t cheating. The further into the experimenting I got, the more I found myself lying to my family and my band, and the less interested in Jack I became. For a while, I went back to my old ways, but this time it was with girls in school, seeing how many I could hook up with and get away with it. It didn’t help that also at this time, I started watching The L Word.

At this point Jack started getting really concerned, revoking his willingness to let me experiment, and I finally had to cut the cord with him, though I wasn’t ready to tell my family that. That same week, my dad announced that he was taking Jack, who he absolutely adored, and me to Cancun for two weeks as a graduation present. Of course I wanted nothing to do with this, but the trip was planned, and I was certainly not ready to come out now. I had finally finished hooking up with every girl in school, and there was one girl I really liked, who I wanted to be my girlfriend. I spent the entire Cancun trip trying to talk to this girl on Myspace, and Jack spent the entire trip doing everything he could to convince me that we needed to work out and that I was not a lesbian. All I was worried about was making sure my dad thought Jack and I were happy and getting the hell out of Mexico. As soon as I got back to Ohio, I made it official with the girl, and then headed out on a long East Coast tour with my band, who, as far as I knew, were also still under the impression that I was with Jack.

I spent the entire tour fighting with my band, who started treating me like scum of the Earth all of a sudden, fighting with Jack on the phone, while he was back home threatening to throw all my stuff out of the apartment, and constantly making secret phone calls to my new girlfriend, who I had barely had any time to enjoy with! Once the tour ended, I got all my stuff out and started staying with my girlfriend. I didn’t talk to my band for weeks after we got home, though once we did speak, I found out Jack had told them everything before we left for tour: about my months of experimenting with girls, my new girlfriend, and how I had taken complete advantage of his trust. I also found out that Jack and Morgan had taken a liking to each other behind my back.

At that point I was so confused, and had so many lies going on between my friends and family, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I told my band and Jack that I wanted them out of my life, and that was that. The next day I took my girlfriend over to my mom’s house, which I rarely visited, told her we needed to talk. We all sat down. I set my elbow down on the table and daintily let my wrist go limp before I began to tell my mom why my “friend” and I had come to visit, but before I even opened my mouth, my mom laughed at the way my arm was resting and jokingly said, “You’re so gay!”

Perfect way to begin the conversation. “Well, that’s why I wanted to talk to you…This is my girlfriend.”

My mom’s mouth dropped open (she still thought I was with Jack) and she didn’t even believe me at first. But after a few brief minutes of convincing, she said, “Okay…Guess we always knew…That’s cool I guess.”

And that was it. That’s all it took. I spent the majority of my life until that point being afraid of that moment for nothing. My mom took the liberty of calling my sister and grandmother to tell them, then my sister called my dad, who was the most confused of all, but no one was upset. Everything was going to be okay. My mom hugged my girlfriend, we all ate dinner, and then we got on with our damn lives.